Throwing in the towel, giving up the ghost...you get the idea.

Well, I made a major decision this week, for better or worse.
The major decision is that I will stop developing the interest-based Mac communities that I had started working on early this year. Here is a listing of each site, what I've decided to do with it, and why:

MacJukebox
MacJukebox never achieved the level of functionality I had hoped it would. The reasons for this are varied, but for the most part, it all boils down to my inability to manage the project. iCompositions has done extremely well as far as development, so I will most likely approach them about integrating MacJukebox into iCompositions in some form.

MacMovieMaker
I was fortunate enough to have some very generous individuals volunteer to run MacMovieMaker from the very beginning. MacMovieMaker has been somewhat successful, and it is still growing in a healthy manner, so I have decided to give the site to the four main people who have helped make it what it is today: Mark, Pablo, Nik, and Dave. It is my hope that they will be able to accelerate development of the community without me bogging it down.

PokeMac
PokeMac was pretty much dead a few days after it launched. It will most likely be shelved.

Macopolis
As the "network" identity, I hope to see Macopolis reborn as the new identity for a new generation of Mac communities. It's such a cool name, I'd hate to see it go to waste.

That's iLife, MacinShots, FreeMacStuff, MacGamingZone
These sites never really even got off the ground, although I believe that at least a couple of them would be really strong sites and/or communities. In particular, I believe FreeMacStuff would be a great service and revenue generator for the right network, and I think MacinShots would make a great name for a Mac-based photographers' community.

Non-Mac sites (HomeVidXchange.com, OtherSolutions.info)HomeVidXchange.com
HomeVidXchange was conceived as a place for home videographers to exchange footage of events (like children's recitals, graduations, and other sentimental events) so they can have a wider source of footage for their personal projects. While the site isn't intended to host the footage, it will serve as a place for people to arrange the exchange of footage themselves, either via postal mail or from their own servers.

OtherSolutions.info
OtherSolutions.info was conceived as a resource for alternatives to the Microsoft monopoly. It is intended to serve as an advocacy site for alternate operating systems (Mac OS X, Linux, Unix), alternate software solutions (OpenOffice, Adobe applications, others), alternate browsers (FireFox, Opera, Mozilla), and any other solutions that help to loosen the death grip of mediocrity that the Redmond behemoth has foisted upon the computing public. OSinfo will serve to empower consumers with education and information that will encourage them to break free of thestranglehold that M$ has on their computing lives.

Geez. I gotta start posting more.

Well, my not having a job came back to bite us in the ass. We went to close on our mortgage on Monday, and they called to verify my employment (you remember...the job I quit? Yeah...that one.) So naturally, the deal was called off. By some miracle, the mortgage company was able to re-work another offer WITHOUT my income factored in (?!), so we're supposed to close on that one this coming Monday. God, I hope this works, because if it doesn't, we'll lose the house.

Meanwhile, the job search continues. I have several "cattle call" interviews coming up, including one for Cox Communications, one for Radio Shack, and one for a financial services company. I'm still toying around with the idea of a print brokerage and graphic design/support services, but I'm not quite ready (set-up wise) at home for that yet. I've registered "thatprintguy.com" and "thatgraphicsguy.com", so, I'll be That Print Guy and That Graphics Guy for a while...we'll see what happens (maybe)!

So far, my Web Design class seems to be going well. I'm learning some stuff (mostly refresher stuff at the moment, but this week, I have to learn CSS!), but I'm a bit behind on things (I have a discussion that's a week overdue). Nothing like early this year, though...so that's good.

I'm hoping to move this blog to my personal site when it's complete...I guess we'll see how that goes, too. ;)

Early June '04 update

(Yeep! I leave the blog alone for a month, and everything gets all wonky!)

OK, so it's been over a month...let's see...what's happened since then:

I'm still at the job I quit in mid-April. They hadn't found a replacement, and I hadn't found a job, so that kinda worked out. Kinda. I say kinda, because I've actually had a couple of nervous breakdowns (pretty much triggered by work) since then, which have caused me to miss a couple of days. Nothing like having to schedule time with a counselor because you can't handle your job. Fun. At least the job ends next week, and I'll be clear (emotionally, at least). Now I just need to find a source of income.

Home life is pretty much a reflection of work life. I really want (and I think, need) to be self-sufficient, income-wise...the only problem I'm having is that I can't get anything done at home. I'm a notorious scatterbrain, and I need to seriously work on my organizational skills. That, and I need to get my work-related stuff out of the little kids' reach, because otherwise, it ends up strewn everywhere. I have the additional task of playing family mediator between my beautiful (but very difficult) 4-year-old daughter and my beautiful (but emotionally drained) wife, as well as my 12-year-old son. Sometimes I'm a good ref, sometimes I'm not so good. But hey, that's life.

So, I'm in the middle of an early mid-life crisis, it seems. I've left a job that I found spiritually bankrupt, and I've left myself without a source of income. Even though the bottom is about to drop out, I feel strangely at peace with everything. I somehow get the feeling that it's all gonna work out (even though my life seems to be imploding around me these days).

I'm focusing a great deal on game design and interest-based communities lately, and I hope to be able to forge a career out of something related to either (or both) of those. I have a board game that I've designed (that I've also been pretty much just sitting on for the past 5 years) that I'm dusting off and making a new prototype for, and I've recently discovered the piecepack boardgame system, which I am finding most intriguing. Also, over the past couple of years I've developed a fascination with dice, so that's also fueling my gaming aspirations. I hope to be able to design some new dice games soon.

As far as community building, I've been smitten with the process in creating MacJukebox and MacMovieMaker; my only frustration has been that I don't have the time to dedicate to them that I'd like. This is another influencing factor in my life change, I think: I want the freedom to be able to work on these passions of mine, as well as be available for my family as needed. I don't think I can do that while working as an employee for anyone; I think I need to make a career for myself.

I feel rather like a heel whining about my difficulties and life challenges. Although I suspect everyone goes through similar things, I get the feeling that most people don't find overcoming these little obstacles as challenging as I have. I suppose that's just me, but I'd like very much to be able to become a lot more self-reliant, and less dependent on emotional support.

Well, at least the counselor says I'm making progress. That's a bit empowering, so I guess I'll just keep going like I'm going. Hopefully, it'll pay off in the end.

Curse my insecurities!
So this morning, I'm up and about to get ready to go to work. The kids are screaming, the clothes aren't done, the room starts closing in on me, and I have a panic attack.

I ended up calling in sick to work, because I couldn't function properly (I dunno...somehow, I figured not being able to do anything but stare blankly at the ground and driving to my job didn't seem like a good match). So, I get on the phone to the Employee Assistance Program folks (thank goodness for benefits, right?), and I'm put through to a counselor, to whom I spoke for an hour and a half . He was a really insightful guy, and a good counselor, and I'm glad I got a chance to speak to him. He successfully "talked me down" (even though I wasn't in any immediate danger), and helped me to see my situation in a more objective way. I left the conversation feeling a lot more empowered and confident than when I had called, so I'm glad I did.

I kinda mentioned this at the end of the conversation, but I'll mention it here, too (in case anyone is reading this): I felt somewhat like an idiot calling about having a panic attack. I've had a few over the past couple of weeks (this morning's was the 4th in 11 days), so when I realized the frequency with which I was having them, I decided it was time to call in the professionals. I realize my problems are really nothing compared to a lot of other folks, but I was having trouble sorting everything out. There are just some times when one's brain locks up...kinda like your computer freezing: it just hangs there, waiting for something to get it back on track. Sometimes it's a loud noise, sometimes it's the comforting touch of a loved one, sometimes it's just letting it all out and unloading on a sympathetic ear. But I don't think it's anything to be ashamed about. We live in a culture that views mental or emotional illness or disease as some sort of 'untouchables' caste. If we just recognize that the brain is an organ, just like the heart or the kidneys, only we don't know as much about the brain. It breaks sometimes. It gets sick sometimes. It needs care just like the rest of the body, and we shouldn't feel ashamed when something goes wrong with it and we need some outside help.

Wow. I just sounded like a PSA or something. Creepy.

Anyhow, this isn't the first time I've gone to a counselor; however, it is the first time I had a counseling session by phone. I promised the guy I'd call him back when I got a "battle plan" together and let him know how things turn out. I'm looking forward to that.

Now, I just have to get the ball rolling on my new life...

(I'll address that in another post) ;)

So I was on my way home from work this evening after a particularly sullen day. The realization that I had quit my job, and that I really need to figure out just what the hell I'm going to do to support my family kinda hit home today, so I began panicking under the surface. On my drive home, I began to lose it again (emotionally...I was scared out of my mind for my family), and I called Angela, who managed to calm me down enough to make it home.

I got off the interstate, and while waiting at a traffic light, I noticed some leafy weeds growing through the seams in the concrete of the divider median in the street. My first thought was that I wanted to remove the weeds to improve the appearance of the median.

Then it occurred to me: The weeds belonged there; the median didn't. It was the asphalt and concrete that were alien there, and despite the best effort of mankind's mastery of technology, those simple weeds would not be stopped. They exist simply because they must exist. They must break through whatever cracks and holes they find in order to reach for the embracing warmth of the sun.

My job is the asphalt.

I'm the weed.

I need sunlight.

Last Thursday, I put in my 2-week notice for my job, without having anything else lined up.

I think I pretty much screwed myself big time.

So, if there's anyone out there who could use the services of a digital print and graphics expert, please contact me...I need to keep my family fed and sheltered.

It's quarter past midnight. I didn't work today, because I had a dentist appointment, and I had to get a bunch of homework done before Saturday's deadline.

I went to the dentist.

I didn't get my homework done.

Not for lack of trying, mind you. I tried many times throughout the day to sit down and do this mountain of work I have neglected for the last 4.5 weeks. I just couldn't get anything done. I never can at home. Too many interruptions.

So now, it's quarter past midnight, and I just went to the drug store to satisfy my urgent craving for Robin Eggs. All the unsold Easter candy was gone, though, so I had to settle for a carton of Whoppers. I normally can't stand malted milk balls, but for some reason, for the past few weeks, I've just had a strong craving for them. So here I sit, downing Whoppers and typing in my blog, trying to build up some momentum for an all-nighter so I can try to get some homework done. I know I won't finish it all, but maybe I can get enough done so that it won't seem so impossible to finish on Friday night or Saturday.

A couple of bonuses for the day, though: I got a chance to submit a couple of city job applications. I'm not holding my breath, but at least I got to get 'em in. That's something, at least. And I got in on the beta test of Google's GMail service (as I was signing in to type this, in fact). The first thing I noticed is that it doesn't play well with Safari, so that's kinda stinky...but I'm in Firefox now, and things seem to be going fine. I think I'm going to transfer all my LEM swap stuff to my new GMail account ;)

Ugh. I think I ate too many Whoppers.

My brain's getting crowded again.

Dangit...I'm trying to improve my situation, trying to improve my life.

I'm going to the gym twice a week (working toward 3 times/week). I'm taking things easy (not letting school or work freak me out like I used to). I'm spending more time with my kids and more time helping around the house. I'm making concerted efforts to make things better.

But this morning, Easter Sunday, of all days, I just lost it. I became frustrated and started yelling at my wife (she initiated it, but still...I should've exercised a lot more self-control). I guess it had been building up for a while, though...I ended up collapsing on our bed and screaming into a pillow until I felt better.

Work. Family. School. Home. Not enough time in the day to do it all. Then, on top of all that, I've got the websites I started. (Great timing there, eh?)

Gah! Starting to fade away as I type this. I'll come back with a bit more clarity of thought after some rest.

Old Friends

I was just going through some old pictures (I'm digitally archiving all our snapshots). I saw a picture from our wedding of Mike & Maxanne.

Mike & Maxanne:
I sure do miss you guys. It's been about 7 years since I've seen you, but I think about you guys all the time. We had a lot of fun together, and I miss hanging out with y'all. I keep wondering if you've had little Mikelings or Maxannelettes, and where you guys are living these days.

In the off chance that you see this, please contact me.

For those who aren't Mike or Maxanne, Mike and Maxanne were responsible for introducing me to my wife, Angela. They were my best friends during a very difficult time in my life, and I regret losing contact with them over the years.

Where ever you are, I hope you guys are doing well and are happy.

GAH! The curse of being male!

Long story short: we're in the middle of a minor family crisis (I may explain later) that involves my sisters and my mother showing up at our house for some urgent "spring cleaning" (translation: we have too much crap, we're getting help sorting through it and tossing most of it out).

So, my youngest sister (I have two, one is 3.5 years younger than me, the other is 10 years younger) comes over and busts her ass trying to help us out. She really has been great, and has motivated us to do a lot more than we had thought we were going to do this weekend.

She has a "take no shit" attitude, and most of the time that's a good thing (or at least, it's a strong trait)...but sometimes, it can be a bit too much. For instance, tonight, she started going off on me for this and that ("this" being that I have too much crap, and "that" being her opinion on what is essential and what isn't among my stuff).

A piece of paper is all it took.

Going through a stack of papers, she pulled out a laser print of an old Wurlitzer jukebox that I had printed for design reference. She asked if I wanted to keep it or toss it, and I told her I wanted to keep it. She rolled her eyes, and asked why I couldn't just re-print it. I explained to her that I didn't think it was worth wasting the toner or paper to re-print it, so that's why I answered "keep". She then took it upon herself to judge me and deem my priorities out of whack. I interjected; I had been hearing derisive comments from her most of the day, and I had let them roll off my back. This time, it just stuck in my craw, so I said something along the lines of:

"Listen, I really do appreciate all that you're doing to help us, but could you please not judge me, and please stop casting aspersions at me?"

Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say. While I thought I had handled it tactfully and politely, she proceeded to completely break down and started tearing me a new rectum.

I tried to retain my composure, despite the fact that she was quite visibly upset. She accused me of being unappreciative (which I certainly am not...I've been very appreciative of her efforts and the gifts of her time and concern). While I was trying to remain calm, my wife chimed in and accused me of being insensitive to my sister.

Insensitive? I was making a point to try to be sensitive! I have no idea where that came from.

So, my sister leaves, angry and in tears. I'm stunned at this point, because I can't see what it is that I've done or said wrong. I thought I was dealing with two seperate issues:

1. My sister making a generous and mighty effort to help us get our stuff straight. (For which I am extremely grateful).

2. My sister being rude and disrespectful. (Which I can live without)

I didn't think that doing one entitled her to do the other. While I certainly appreciate her efforts and her help, I don't think that has anything to do with her casting judgement on me or on my work.

I dunno. I've been surrounded by women today. Am I out of line here? Am I just seeing the "male" perspective?

Earlier today, I got frustrated because I found some things for which I had been searching for a few months. They had been crammed in a box and put in our shed (unbeknownst to me). I figured it was probably my wife or her sister (who occasionally helps us out), so I asked my wife to check with me before putting stuff in storage again. Apparently, my mother, my sister, and my wife all thought I was completely out of line in asking this, and they all sort of "ganged up" on me, telling me it was my fault for "having so much crap." Nevermind the fact that I never once touched these items to put them in storage, or the fact that nobody asked me if I was using these things prior to stuffing them away.

I still don't see how I was out of line in either of the scenarios above...but I seem to be the only one who was present who thinks that.

I might be rethinking my decision.

I don't know if I'm rethinking my decision to quit school, or to give up the websites, though. I do know that one of them needs to go; I just need to decide which one.

Watching Dr. Wayne Dyer on PBS isn't helping me much with this decision...all he's making me want to do is quit my job and do everything I feel compelled to do.


My wife came home last night to a quiet house. I had gotten our two younger kids to bed, and she had just gotten back from taking our oldest son (mine, from a previous life) to meet with his other family for weekend visitation. I was sitting down, typing up my blog entry for last night. While she was away, I had made the decision to stop MacJukebox. Earlier in the day, I had started the process of withdrawing from school.

She seemed genuinely stunned and upset to hear the news. I had been wrestling with the decisions for a week or more, so I was somewhat at peace with the whole thing. (That's a lie, actually...it bugged the hell out of me, but I had resigned to the fact that this was simply what I needed to do in the best interest of my family.) My wife began to weep for me. Despite the fact that my school and this website project have been diverting my attention from my family (and from one another), despite the fact that all the stress created from these things have made me a monster to deal with, despite the fact that I foolishly took on way too much for one man to handle in his particular circumstances...my wife wept for me. She wept for the loss of my dreams; she wept for the unrealized potential; she wept for what she saw to be my sacrifice.

She is a beautiful, beautiful person. I'm so very blessed.

I'm so freaking disappointed right now. I had to concede defeat on two fronts today.

First, it became painfully obvious that I can no longer continue with school. I started the process of dropping out today. The thing that sucks about it (aside from the obvious repercussions of dropping out of school) is that, if they'd just let me take a session or two off, I wouldn't have had to quit. But the policies at this particular school seem to ignore the notion that working adults are attending classes (even though it's an internet-based degree program, targeted at working adults). Particularly annoying policies: students must make up "incompletes" within two weeks (as opposed to an entire 5-week session, which would correlate to a semester's worth of class in traditional university time); and the fact that students can't take a session or two away from classes -- in the event of life-changing events or distractions during their coursework, they're pretty much screwed.

The other thing I had to give up today is my website. Well, websites (plural), actually. This sucks, because I was really enjoying creating these communities. I had experienced a few setbacks, but they weren't that big, in the grand scheme of things. Still, I don't have the available time to deal with them, and I lack the required skills to make them work like they should. So, I've decided to try to sell them.

So, instead of pursuing something that really means a lot to me, I must clear time in my schedule to be able to focus on the really important things in my life: my family (which I already do), and my job (which I absolutely hate).

If only I had decided to do this sort of thing earlier in life, when I had the time.

Ah, the ol' job hunt. I've been looking for a job going on 3 years now.

Nada. Nothin'.

I have a job, but I really don't like it. I really want to start doing more creative stuff, or if I'm going to stick with the scan & print monkey gig, at least try to do that on my own.

So now it's just a matter of "how do I make the time to do all this stuff?"

My brain hurts. Having it lock up a bunch will do that, I guess.

So, now I have to determine if it's going to be worthwhile for me to stay enrolled in school, or just cut my losses and drop out.

I want to fight like hell to stay in, but I don't know at what cost (financially and emotionally); I sure don't want to destroy my family (or my sanity) doing so.

I had forgotten I had this thing (the blog). I figured I may as well just unload here...hopefully, it's cheaper than therapy.

Anyhow, what a bad weekend. Not bad in the sense that it was absolutely horrible...I mean, Saturday was my daughter's 4th birthday party (we had it a Chuck E. Cheese's), so that part was OK. It was before and after that kinda stunk.

I've been on Prozac for a year or so now; I started on anti-depressants a few years ago, when I was prescribed Effexor for my ADD. Since then, whenever I'm off 'em for more than a couple of days, I become a slave to even the slightest bit of stress.

So, that's where I was most of the weekend: on the edge of cracking. I couldn't handle the everyday stress of my kids running around being kids; I couldn't handle the impending pressure of the birthday party; I couldn't handle my lack of ability to handle things. I was a mess.

I spent the better part of the weekend with my head buried in a pillow to try to block out all of the noise. Not good.

I guess that's what I get for running out of Prozac.