Old Friends
I was just going through some old pictures (I'm digitally archiving all our snapshots). I saw a picture from our wedding of Mike & Maxanne.
Mike & Maxanne:
I sure do miss you guys. It's been about 7 years since I've seen you, but I think about you guys all the time. We had a lot of fun together, and I miss hanging out with y'all. I keep wondering if you've had little Mikelings or Maxannelettes, and where you guys are living these days.
In the off chance that you see this, please contact me.
For those who aren't Mike or Maxanne, Mike and Maxanne were responsible for introducing me to my wife, Angela. They were my best friends during a very difficult time in my life, and I regret losing contact with them over the years.
Where ever you are, I hope you guys are doing well and are happy.
Sunday, March 28, 2004
Saturday, March 27, 2004
GAH! The curse of being male!
Long story short: we're in the middle of a minor family crisis (I may explain later) that involves my sisters and my mother showing up at our house for some urgent "spring cleaning" (translation: we have too much crap, we're getting help sorting through it and tossing most of it out).
So, my youngest sister (I have two, one is 3.5 years younger than me, the other is 10 years younger) comes over and busts her ass trying to help us out. She really has been great, and has motivated us to do a lot more than we had thought we were going to do this weekend.
She has a "take no shit" attitude, and most of the time that's a good thing (or at least, it's a strong trait)...but sometimes, it can be a bit too much. For instance, tonight, she started going off on me for this and that ("this" being that I have too much crap, and "that" being her opinion on what is essential and what isn't among my stuff).
A piece of paper is all it took.
Going through a stack of papers, she pulled out a laser print of an old Wurlitzer jukebox that I had printed for design reference. She asked if I wanted to keep it or toss it, and I told her I wanted to keep it. She rolled her eyes, and asked why I couldn't just re-print it. I explained to her that I didn't think it was worth wasting the toner or paper to re-print it, so that's why I answered "keep". She then took it upon herself to judge me and deem my priorities out of whack. I interjected; I had been hearing derisive comments from her most of the day, and I had let them roll off my back. This time, it just stuck in my craw, so I said something along the lines of:
"Listen, I really do appreciate all that you're doing to help us, but could you please not judge me, and please stop casting aspersions at me?"
Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say. While I thought I had handled it tactfully and politely, she proceeded to completely break down and started tearing me a new rectum.
I tried to retain my composure, despite the fact that she was quite visibly upset. She accused me of being unappreciative (which I certainly am not...I've been very appreciative of her efforts and the gifts of her time and concern). While I was trying to remain calm, my wife chimed in and accused me of being insensitive to my sister.
Insensitive? I was making a point to try to be sensitive! I have no idea where that came from.
So, my sister leaves, angry and in tears. I'm stunned at this point, because I can't see what it is that I've done or said wrong. I thought I was dealing with two seperate issues:
1. My sister making a generous and mighty effort to help us get our stuff straight. (For which I am extremely grateful).
2. My sister being rude and disrespectful. (Which I can live without)
I didn't think that doing one entitled her to do the other. While I certainly appreciate her efforts and her help, I don't think that has anything to do with her casting judgement on me or on my work.
I dunno. I've been surrounded by women today. Am I out of line here? Am I just seeing the "male" perspective?
Earlier today, I got frustrated because I found some things for which I had been searching for a few months. They had been crammed in a box and put in our shed (unbeknownst to me). I figured it was probably my wife or her sister (who occasionally helps us out), so I asked my wife to check with me before putting stuff in storage again. Apparently, my mother, my sister, and my wife all thought I was completely out of line in asking this, and they all sort of "ganged up" on me, telling me it was my fault for "having so much crap." Nevermind the fact that I never once touched these items to put them in storage, or the fact that nobody asked me if I was using these things prior to stuffing them away.
I still don't see how I was out of line in either of the scenarios above...but I seem to be the only one who was present who thinks that.
Long story short: we're in the middle of a minor family crisis (I may explain later) that involves my sisters and my mother showing up at our house for some urgent "spring cleaning" (translation: we have too much crap, we're getting help sorting through it and tossing most of it out).
So, my youngest sister (I have two, one is 3.5 years younger than me, the other is 10 years younger) comes over and busts her ass trying to help us out. She really has been great, and has motivated us to do a lot more than we had thought we were going to do this weekend.
She has a "take no shit" attitude, and most of the time that's a good thing (or at least, it's a strong trait)...but sometimes, it can be a bit too much. For instance, tonight, she started going off on me for this and that ("this" being that I have too much crap, and "that" being her opinion on what is essential and what isn't among my stuff).
A piece of paper is all it took.
Going through a stack of papers, she pulled out a laser print of an old Wurlitzer jukebox that I had printed for design reference. She asked if I wanted to keep it or toss it, and I told her I wanted to keep it. She rolled her eyes, and asked why I couldn't just re-print it. I explained to her that I didn't think it was worth wasting the toner or paper to re-print it, so that's why I answered "keep". She then took it upon herself to judge me and deem my priorities out of whack. I interjected; I had been hearing derisive comments from her most of the day, and I had let them roll off my back. This time, it just stuck in my craw, so I said something along the lines of:
"Listen, I really do appreciate all that you're doing to help us, but could you please not judge me, and please stop casting aspersions at me?"
Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say. While I thought I had handled it tactfully and politely, she proceeded to completely break down and started tearing me a new rectum.
I tried to retain my composure, despite the fact that she was quite visibly upset. She accused me of being unappreciative (which I certainly am not...I've been very appreciative of her efforts and the gifts of her time and concern). While I was trying to remain calm, my wife chimed in and accused me of being insensitive to my sister.
Insensitive? I was making a point to try to be sensitive! I have no idea where that came from.
So, my sister leaves, angry and in tears. I'm stunned at this point, because I can't see what it is that I've done or said wrong. I thought I was dealing with two seperate issues:
1. My sister making a generous and mighty effort to help us get our stuff straight. (For which I am extremely grateful).
2. My sister being rude and disrespectful. (Which I can live without)
I didn't think that doing one entitled her to do the other. While I certainly appreciate her efforts and her help, I don't think that has anything to do with her casting judgement on me or on my work.
I dunno. I've been surrounded by women today. Am I out of line here? Am I just seeing the "male" perspective?
Earlier today, I got frustrated because I found some things for which I had been searching for a few months. They had been crammed in a box and put in our shed (unbeknownst to me). I figured it was probably my wife or her sister (who occasionally helps us out), so I asked my wife to check with me before putting stuff in storage again. Apparently, my mother, my sister, and my wife all thought I was completely out of line in asking this, and they all sort of "ganged up" on me, telling me it was my fault for "having so much crap." Nevermind the fact that I never once touched these items to put them in storage, or the fact that nobody asked me if I was using these things prior to stuffing them away.
I still don't see how I was out of line in either of the scenarios above...but I seem to be the only one who was present who thinks that.
Saturday, March 13, 2004
I might be rethinking my decision.
I don't know if I'm rethinking my decision to quit school, or to give up the websites, though. I do know that one of them needs to go; I just need to decide which one.
Watching Dr. Wayne Dyer on PBS isn't helping me much with this decision...all he's making me want to do is quit my job and do everything I feel compelled to do.
My wife came home last night to a quiet house. I had gotten our two younger kids to bed, and she had just gotten back from taking our oldest son (mine, from a previous life) to meet with his other family for weekend visitation. I was sitting down, typing up my blog entry for last night. While she was away, I had made the decision to stop MacJukebox. Earlier in the day, I had started the process of withdrawing from school.
She seemed genuinely stunned and upset to hear the news. I had been wrestling with the decisions for a week or more, so I was somewhat at peace with the whole thing. (That's a lie, actually...it bugged the hell out of me, but I had resigned to the fact that this was simply what I needed to do in the best interest of my family.) My wife began to weep for me. Despite the fact that my school and this website project have been diverting my attention from my family (and from one another), despite the fact that all the stress created from these things have made me a monster to deal with, despite the fact that I foolishly took on way too much for one man to handle in his particular circumstances...my wife wept for me. She wept for the loss of my dreams; she wept for the unrealized potential; she wept for what she saw to be my sacrifice.
She is a beautiful, beautiful person. I'm so very blessed.
I don't know if I'm rethinking my decision to quit school, or to give up the websites, though. I do know that one of them needs to go; I just need to decide which one.
Watching Dr. Wayne Dyer on PBS isn't helping me much with this decision...all he's making me want to do is quit my job and do everything I feel compelled to do.
My wife came home last night to a quiet house. I had gotten our two younger kids to bed, and she had just gotten back from taking our oldest son (mine, from a previous life) to meet with his other family for weekend visitation. I was sitting down, typing up my blog entry for last night. While she was away, I had made the decision to stop MacJukebox. Earlier in the day, I had started the process of withdrawing from school.
She seemed genuinely stunned and upset to hear the news. I had been wrestling with the decisions for a week or more, so I was somewhat at peace with the whole thing. (That's a lie, actually...it bugged the hell out of me, but I had resigned to the fact that this was simply what I needed to do in the best interest of my family.) My wife began to weep for me. Despite the fact that my school and this website project have been diverting my attention from my family (and from one another), despite the fact that all the stress created from these things have made me a monster to deal with, despite the fact that I foolishly took on way too much for one man to handle in his particular circumstances...my wife wept for me. She wept for the loss of my dreams; she wept for the unrealized potential; she wept for what she saw to be my sacrifice.
She is a beautiful, beautiful person. I'm so very blessed.
Friday, March 12, 2004
I'm so freaking disappointed right now. I had to concede defeat on two fronts today.
First, it became painfully obvious that I can no longer continue with school. I started the process of dropping out today. The thing that sucks about it (aside from the obvious repercussions of dropping out of school) is that, if they'd just let me take a session or two off, I wouldn't have had to quit. But the policies at this particular school seem to ignore the notion that working adults are attending classes (even though it's an internet-based degree program, targeted at working adults). Particularly annoying policies: students must make up "incompletes" within two weeks (as opposed to an entire 5-week session, which would correlate to a semester's worth of class in traditional university time); and the fact that students can't take a session or two away from classes -- in the event of life-changing events or distractions during their coursework, they're pretty much screwed.
The other thing I had to give up today is my website. Well, websites (plural), actually. This sucks, because I was really enjoying creating these communities. I had experienced a few setbacks, but they weren't that big, in the grand scheme of things. Still, I don't have the available time to deal with them, and I lack the required skills to make them work like they should. So, I've decided to try to sell them.
So, instead of pursuing something that really means a lot to me, I must clear time in my schedule to be able to focus on the really important things in my life: my family (which I already do), and my job (which I absolutely hate).
If only I had decided to do this sort of thing earlier in life, when I had the time.
First, it became painfully obvious that I can no longer continue with school. I started the process of dropping out today. The thing that sucks about it (aside from the obvious repercussions of dropping out of school) is that, if they'd just let me take a session or two off, I wouldn't have had to quit. But the policies at this particular school seem to ignore the notion that working adults are attending classes (even though it's an internet-based degree program, targeted at working adults). Particularly annoying policies: students must make up "incompletes" within two weeks (as opposed to an entire 5-week session, which would correlate to a semester's worth of class in traditional university time); and the fact that students can't take a session or two away from classes -- in the event of life-changing events or distractions during their coursework, they're pretty much screwed.
The other thing I had to give up today is my website. Well, websites (plural), actually. This sucks, because I was really enjoying creating these communities. I had experienced a few setbacks, but they weren't that big, in the grand scheme of things. Still, I don't have the available time to deal with them, and I lack the required skills to make them work like they should. So, I've decided to try to sell them.
So, instead of pursuing something that really means a lot to me, I must clear time in my schedule to be able to focus on the really important things in my life: my family (which I already do), and my job (which I absolutely hate).
If only I had decided to do this sort of thing earlier in life, when I had the time.
Monday, March 08, 2004
Ah, the ol' job hunt. I've been looking for a job going on 3 years now.
Nada. Nothin'.
I have a job, but I really don't like it. I really want to start doing more creative stuff, or if I'm going to stick with the scan & print monkey gig, at least try to do that on my own.
So now it's just a matter of "how do I make the time to do all this stuff?"
My brain hurts. Having it lock up a bunch will do that, I guess.
Nada. Nothin'.
I have a job, but I really don't like it. I really want to start doing more creative stuff, or if I'm going to stick with the scan & print monkey gig, at least try to do that on my own.
So now it's just a matter of "how do I make the time to do all this stuff?"
My brain hurts. Having it lock up a bunch will do that, I guess.
I had forgotten I had this thing (the blog). I figured I may as well just unload here...hopefully, it's cheaper than therapy.
Anyhow, what a bad weekend. Not bad in the sense that it was absolutely horrible...I mean, Saturday was my daughter's 4th birthday party (we had it a Chuck E. Cheese's), so that part was OK. It was before and after that kinda stunk.
I've been on Prozac for a year or so now; I started on anti-depressants a few years ago, when I was prescribed Effexor for my ADD. Since then, whenever I'm off 'em for more than a couple of days, I become a slave to even the slightest bit of stress.
So, that's where I was most of the weekend: on the edge of cracking. I couldn't handle the everyday stress of my kids running around being kids; I couldn't handle the impending pressure of the birthday party; I couldn't handle my lack of ability to handle things. I was a mess.
I spent the better part of the weekend with my head buried in a pillow to try to block out all of the noise. Not good.
I guess that's what I get for running out of Prozac.
Anyhow, what a bad weekend. Not bad in the sense that it was absolutely horrible...I mean, Saturday was my daughter's 4th birthday party (we had it a Chuck E. Cheese's), so that part was OK. It was before and after that kinda stunk.
I've been on Prozac for a year or so now; I started on anti-depressants a few years ago, when I was prescribed Effexor for my ADD. Since then, whenever I'm off 'em for more than a couple of days, I become a slave to even the slightest bit of stress.
So, that's where I was most of the weekend: on the edge of cracking. I couldn't handle the everyday stress of my kids running around being kids; I couldn't handle the impending pressure of the birthday party; I couldn't handle my lack of ability to handle things. I was a mess.
I spent the better part of the weekend with my head buried in a pillow to try to block out all of the noise. Not good.
I guess that's what I get for running out of Prozac.
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