Curse my insecurities!
So this morning, I'm up and about to get ready to go to work. The kids are screaming, the clothes aren't done, the room starts closing in on me, and I have a panic attack.

I ended up calling in sick to work, because I couldn't function properly (I dunno...somehow, I figured not being able to do anything but stare blankly at the ground and driving to my job didn't seem like a good match). So, I get on the phone to the Employee Assistance Program folks (thank goodness for benefits, right?), and I'm put through to a counselor, to whom I spoke for an hour and a half . He was a really insightful guy, and a good counselor, and I'm glad I got a chance to speak to him. He successfully "talked me down" (even though I wasn't in any immediate danger), and helped me to see my situation in a more objective way. I left the conversation feeling a lot more empowered and confident than when I had called, so I'm glad I did.

I kinda mentioned this at the end of the conversation, but I'll mention it here, too (in case anyone is reading this): I felt somewhat like an idiot calling about having a panic attack. I've had a few over the past couple of weeks (this morning's was the 4th in 11 days), so when I realized the frequency with which I was having them, I decided it was time to call in the professionals. I realize my problems are really nothing compared to a lot of other folks, but I was having trouble sorting everything out. There are just some times when one's brain locks up...kinda like your computer freezing: it just hangs there, waiting for something to get it back on track. Sometimes it's a loud noise, sometimes it's the comforting touch of a loved one, sometimes it's just letting it all out and unloading on a sympathetic ear. But I don't think it's anything to be ashamed about. We live in a culture that views mental or emotional illness or disease as some sort of 'untouchables' caste. If we just recognize that the brain is an organ, just like the heart or the kidneys, only we don't know as much about the brain. It breaks sometimes. It gets sick sometimes. It needs care just like the rest of the body, and we shouldn't feel ashamed when something goes wrong with it and we need some outside help.

Wow. I just sounded like a PSA or something. Creepy.

Anyhow, this isn't the first time I've gone to a counselor; however, it is the first time I had a counseling session by phone. I promised the guy I'd call him back when I got a "battle plan" together and let him know how things turn out. I'm looking forward to that.

Now, I just have to get the ball rolling on my new life...

(I'll address that in another post) ;)

So I was on my way home from work this evening after a particularly sullen day. The realization that I had quit my job, and that I really need to figure out just what the hell I'm going to do to support my family kinda hit home today, so I began panicking under the surface. On my drive home, I began to lose it again (emotionally...I was scared out of my mind for my family), and I called Angela, who managed to calm me down enough to make it home.

I got off the interstate, and while waiting at a traffic light, I noticed some leafy weeds growing through the seams in the concrete of the divider median in the street. My first thought was that I wanted to remove the weeds to improve the appearance of the median.

Then it occurred to me: The weeds belonged there; the median didn't. It was the asphalt and concrete that were alien there, and despite the best effort of mankind's mastery of technology, those simple weeds would not be stopped. They exist simply because they must exist. They must break through whatever cracks and holes they find in order to reach for the embracing warmth of the sun.

My job is the asphalt.

I'm the weed.

I need sunlight.

Last Thursday, I put in my 2-week notice for my job, without having anything else lined up.

I think I pretty much screwed myself big time.

So, if there's anyone out there who could use the services of a digital print and graphics expert, please contact me...I need to keep my family fed and sheltered.

It's quarter past midnight. I didn't work today, because I had a dentist appointment, and I had to get a bunch of homework done before Saturday's deadline.

I went to the dentist.

I didn't get my homework done.

Not for lack of trying, mind you. I tried many times throughout the day to sit down and do this mountain of work I have neglected for the last 4.5 weeks. I just couldn't get anything done. I never can at home. Too many interruptions.

So now, it's quarter past midnight, and I just went to the drug store to satisfy my urgent craving for Robin Eggs. All the unsold Easter candy was gone, though, so I had to settle for a carton of Whoppers. I normally can't stand malted milk balls, but for some reason, for the past few weeks, I've just had a strong craving for them. So here I sit, downing Whoppers and typing in my blog, trying to build up some momentum for an all-nighter so I can try to get some homework done. I know I won't finish it all, but maybe I can get enough done so that it won't seem so impossible to finish on Friday night or Saturday.

A couple of bonuses for the day, though: I got a chance to submit a couple of city job applications. I'm not holding my breath, but at least I got to get 'em in. That's something, at least. And I got in on the beta test of Google's GMail service (as I was signing in to type this, in fact). The first thing I noticed is that it doesn't play well with Safari, so that's kinda stinky...but I'm in Firefox now, and things seem to be going fine. I think I'm going to transfer all my LEM swap stuff to my new GMail account ;)

Ugh. I think I ate too many Whoppers.

My brain's getting crowded again.

Dangit...I'm trying to improve my situation, trying to improve my life.

I'm going to the gym twice a week (working toward 3 times/week). I'm taking things easy (not letting school or work freak me out like I used to). I'm spending more time with my kids and more time helping around the house. I'm making concerted efforts to make things better.

But this morning, Easter Sunday, of all days, I just lost it. I became frustrated and started yelling at my wife (she initiated it, but still...I should've exercised a lot more self-control). I guess it had been building up for a while, though...I ended up collapsing on our bed and screaming into a pillow until I felt better.

Work. Family. School. Home. Not enough time in the day to do it all. Then, on top of all that, I've got the websites I started. (Great timing there, eh?)

Gah! Starting to fade away as I type this. I'll come back with a bit more clarity of thought after some rest.