Early June '04 update

(Yeep! I leave the blog alone for a month, and everything gets all wonky!)

OK, so it's been over a month...let's see...what's happened since then:

I'm still at the job I quit in mid-April. They hadn't found a replacement, and I hadn't found a job, so that kinda worked out. Kinda. I say kinda, because I've actually had a couple of nervous breakdowns (pretty much triggered by work) since then, which have caused me to miss a couple of days. Nothing like having to schedule time with a counselor because you can't handle your job. Fun. At least the job ends next week, and I'll be clear (emotionally, at least). Now I just need to find a source of income.

Home life is pretty much a reflection of work life. I really want (and I think, need) to be self-sufficient, income-wise...the only problem I'm having is that I can't get anything done at home. I'm a notorious scatterbrain, and I need to seriously work on my organizational skills. That, and I need to get my work-related stuff out of the little kids' reach, because otherwise, it ends up strewn everywhere. I have the additional task of playing family mediator between my beautiful (but very difficult) 4-year-old daughter and my beautiful (but emotionally drained) wife, as well as my 12-year-old son. Sometimes I'm a good ref, sometimes I'm not so good. But hey, that's life.

So, I'm in the middle of an early mid-life crisis, it seems. I've left a job that I found spiritually bankrupt, and I've left myself without a source of income. Even though the bottom is about to drop out, I feel strangely at peace with everything. I somehow get the feeling that it's all gonna work out (even though my life seems to be imploding around me these days).

I'm focusing a great deal on game design and interest-based communities lately, and I hope to be able to forge a career out of something related to either (or both) of those. I have a board game that I've designed (that I've also been pretty much just sitting on for the past 5 years) that I'm dusting off and making a new prototype for, and I've recently discovered the piecepack boardgame system, which I am finding most intriguing. Also, over the past couple of years I've developed a fascination with dice, so that's also fueling my gaming aspirations. I hope to be able to design some new dice games soon.

As far as community building, I've been smitten with the process in creating MacJukebox and MacMovieMaker; my only frustration has been that I don't have the time to dedicate to them that I'd like. This is another influencing factor in my life change, I think: I want the freedom to be able to work on these passions of mine, as well as be available for my family as needed. I don't think I can do that while working as an employee for anyone; I think I need to make a career for myself.

I feel rather like a heel whining about my difficulties and life challenges. Although I suspect everyone goes through similar things, I get the feeling that most people don't find overcoming these little obstacles as challenging as I have. I suppose that's just me, but I'd like very much to be able to become a lot more self-reliant, and less dependent on emotional support.

Well, at least the counselor says I'm making progress. That's a bit empowering, so I guess I'll just keep going like I'm going. Hopefully, it'll pay off in the end.