Well, my not having a job came back to bite us in the ass. We went to close on our mortgage on Monday, and they called to verify my employment (you remember...the job I quit? Yeah...that one.) So naturally, the deal was called off. By some miracle, the mortgage company was able to re-work another offer WITHOUT my income factored in (?!), so we're supposed to close on that one this coming Monday. God, I hope this works, because if it doesn't, we'll lose the house.
Meanwhile, the job search continues. I have several "cattle call" interviews coming up, including one for Cox Communications, one for Radio Shack, and one for a financial services company. I'm still toying around with the idea of a print brokerage and graphic design/support services, but I'm not quite ready (set-up wise) at home for that yet. I've registered "thatprintguy.com" and "thatgraphicsguy.com", so, I'll be That Print Guy and That Graphics Guy for a while...we'll see what happens (maybe)!
So far, my Web Design class seems to be going well. I'm learning some stuff (mostly refresher stuff at the moment, but this week, I have to learn CSS!), but I'm a bit behind on things (I have a discussion that's a week overdue). Nothing like early this year, though...so that's good.
I'm hoping to move this blog to my personal site when it's complete...I guess we'll see how that goes, too. ;)
Friday, June 25, 2004
Friday, June 04, 2004
Early June '04 update
(Yeep! I leave the blog alone for a month, and everything gets all wonky!)
OK, so it's been over a month...let's see...what's happened since then:
I'm still at the job I quit in mid-April. They hadn't found a replacement, and I hadn't found a job, so that kinda worked out. Kinda. I say kinda, because I've actually had a couple of nervous breakdowns (pretty much triggered by work) since then, which have caused me to miss a couple of days. Nothing like having to schedule time with a counselor because you can't handle your job. Fun. At least the job ends next week, and I'll be clear (emotionally, at least). Now I just need to find a source of income.
Home life is pretty much a reflection of work life. I really want (and I think, need) to be self-sufficient, income-wise...the only problem I'm having is that I can't get anything done at home. I'm a notorious scatterbrain, and I need to seriously work on my organizational skills. That, and I need to get my work-related stuff out of the little kids' reach, because otherwise, it ends up strewn everywhere. I have the additional task of playing family mediator between my beautiful (but very difficult) 4-year-old daughter and my beautiful (but emotionally drained) wife, as well as my 12-year-old son. Sometimes I'm a good ref, sometimes I'm not so good. But hey, that's life.
So, I'm in the middle of an early mid-life crisis, it seems. I've left a job that I found spiritually bankrupt, and I've left myself without a source of income. Even though the bottom is about to drop out, I feel strangely at peace with everything. I somehow get the feeling that it's all gonna work out (even though my life seems to be imploding around me these days).
I'm focusing a great deal on game design and interest-based communities lately, and I hope to be able to forge a career out of something related to either (or both) of those. I have a board game that I've designed (that I've also been pretty much just sitting on for the past 5 years) that I'm dusting off and making a new prototype for, and I've recently discovered the piecepack boardgame system, which I am finding most intriguing. Also, over the past couple of years I've developed a fascination with dice, so that's also fueling my gaming aspirations. I hope to be able to design some new dice games soon.
As far as community building, I've been smitten with the process in creating MacJukebox and MacMovieMaker; my only frustration has been that I don't have the time to dedicate to them that I'd like. This is another influencing factor in my life change, I think: I want the freedom to be able to work on these passions of mine, as well as be available for my family as needed. I don't think I can do that while working as an employee for anyone; I think I need to make a career for myself.
I feel rather like a heel whining about my difficulties and life challenges. Although I suspect everyone goes through similar things, I get the feeling that most people don't find overcoming these little obstacles as challenging as I have. I suppose that's just me, but I'd like very much to be able to become a lot more self-reliant, and less dependent on emotional support.
Well, at least the counselor says I'm making progress. That's a bit empowering, so I guess I'll just keep going like I'm going. Hopefully, it'll pay off in the end.
OK, so it's been over a month...let's see...what's happened since then:
I'm still at the job I quit in mid-April. They hadn't found a replacement, and I hadn't found a job, so that kinda worked out. Kinda. I say kinda, because I've actually had a couple of nervous breakdowns (pretty much triggered by work) since then, which have caused me to miss a couple of days. Nothing like having to schedule time with a counselor because you can't handle your job. Fun. At least the job ends next week, and I'll be clear (emotionally, at least). Now I just need to find a source of income.
Home life is pretty much a reflection of work life. I really want (and I think, need) to be self-sufficient, income-wise...the only problem I'm having is that I can't get anything done at home. I'm a notorious scatterbrain, and I need to seriously work on my organizational skills. That, and I need to get my work-related stuff out of the little kids' reach, because otherwise, it ends up strewn everywhere. I have the additional task of playing family mediator between my beautiful (but very difficult) 4-year-old daughter and my beautiful (but emotionally drained) wife, as well as my 12-year-old son. Sometimes I'm a good ref, sometimes I'm not so good. But hey, that's life.
So, I'm in the middle of an early mid-life crisis, it seems. I've left a job that I found spiritually bankrupt, and I've left myself without a source of income. Even though the bottom is about to drop out, I feel strangely at peace with everything. I somehow get the feeling that it's all gonna work out (even though my life seems to be imploding around me these days).
I'm focusing a great deal on game design and interest-based communities lately, and I hope to be able to forge a career out of something related to either (or both) of those. I have a board game that I've designed (that I've also been pretty much just sitting on for the past 5 years) that I'm dusting off and making a new prototype for, and I've recently discovered the piecepack boardgame system, which I am finding most intriguing. Also, over the past couple of years I've developed a fascination with dice, so that's also fueling my gaming aspirations. I hope to be able to design some new dice games soon.
As far as community building, I've been smitten with the process in creating MacJukebox and MacMovieMaker; my only frustration has been that I don't have the time to dedicate to them that I'd like. This is another influencing factor in my life change, I think: I want the freedom to be able to work on these passions of mine, as well as be available for my family as needed. I don't think I can do that while working as an employee for anyone; I think I need to make a career for myself.
I feel rather like a heel whining about my difficulties and life challenges. Although I suspect everyone goes through similar things, I get the feeling that most people don't find overcoming these little obstacles as challenging as I have. I suppose that's just me, but I'd like very much to be able to become a lot more self-reliant, and less dependent on emotional support.
Well, at least the counselor says I'm making progress. That's a bit empowering, so I guess I'll just keep going like I'm going. Hopefully, it'll pay off in the end.
Monday, April 26, 2004
Curse my insecurities!
So this morning, I'm up and about to get ready to go to work. The kids are screaming, the clothes aren't done, the room starts closing in on me, and I have a panic attack.
I ended up calling in sick to work, because I couldn't function properly (I dunno...somehow, I figured not being able to do anything but stare blankly at the ground and driving to my job didn't seem like a good match). So, I get on the phone to the Employee Assistance Program folks (thank goodness for benefits, right?), and I'm put through to a counselor, to whom I spoke for an hour and a half . He was a really insightful guy, and a good counselor, and I'm glad I got a chance to speak to him. He successfully "talked me down" (even though I wasn't in any immediate danger), and helped me to see my situation in a more objective way. I left the conversation feeling a lot more empowered and confident than when I had called, so I'm glad I did.
I kinda mentioned this at the end of the conversation, but I'll mention it here, too (in case anyone is reading this): I felt somewhat like an idiot calling about having a panic attack. I've had a few over the past couple of weeks (this morning's was the 4th in 11 days), so when I realized the frequency with which I was having them, I decided it was time to call in the professionals. I realize my problems are really nothing compared to a lot of other folks, but I was having trouble sorting everything out. There are just some times when one's brain locks up...kinda like your computer freezing: it just hangs there, waiting for something to get it back on track. Sometimes it's a loud noise, sometimes it's the comforting touch of a loved one, sometimes it's just letting it all out and unloading on a sympathetic ear. But I don't think it's anything to be ashamed about. We live in a culture that views mental or emotional illness or disease as some sort of 'untouchables' caste. If we just recognize that the brain is an organ, just like the heart or the kidneys, only we don't know as much about the brain. It breaks sometimes. It gets sick sometimes. It needs care just like the rest of the body, and we shouldn't feel ashamed when something goes wrong with it and we need some outside help.
Wow. I just sounded like a PSA or something. Creepy.
Anyhow, this isn't the first time I've gone to a counselor; however, it is the first time I had a counseling session by phone. I promised the guy I'd call him back when I got a "battle plan" together and let him know how things turn out. I'm looking forward to that.
Now, I just have to get the ball rolling on my new life...
(I'll address that in another post) ;)
So this morning, I'm up and about to get ready to go to work. The kids are screaming, the clothes aren't done, the room starts closing in on me, and I have a panic attack.
I ended up calling in sick to work, because I couldn't function properly (I dunno...somehow, I figured not being able to do anything but stare blankly at the ground and driving to my job didn't seem like a good match). So, I get on the phone to the Employee Assistance Program folks (thank goodness for benefits, right?), and I'm put through to a counselor, to whom I spoke for an hour and a half . He was a really insightful guy, and a good counselor, and I'm glad I got a chance to speak to him. He successfully "talked me down" (even though I wasn't in any immediate danger), and helped me to see my situation in a more objective way. I left the conversation feeling a lot more empowered and confident than when I had called, so I'm glad I did.
I kinda mentioned this at the end of the conversation, but I'll mention it here, too (in case anyone is reading this): I felt somewhat like an idiot calling about having a panic attack. I've had a few over the past couple of weeks (this morning's was the 4th in 11 days), so when I realized the frequency with which I was having them, I decided it was time to call in the professionals. I realize my problems are really nothing compared to a lot of other folks, but I was having trouble sorting everything out. There are just some times when one's brain locks up...kinda like your computer freezing: it just hangs there, waiting for something to get it back on track. Sometimes it's a loud noise, sometimes it's the comforting touch of a loved one, sometimes it's just letting it all out and unloading on a sympathetic ear. But I don't think it's anything to be ashamed about. We live in a culture that views mental or emotional illness or disease as some sort of 'untouchables' caste. If we just recognize that the brain is an organ, just like the heart or the kidneys, only we don't know as much about the brain. It breaks sometimes. It gets sick sometimes. It needs care just like the rest of the body, and we shouldn't feel ashamed when something goes wrong with it and we need some outside help.
Wow. I just sounded like a PSA or something. Creepy.
Anyhow, this isn't the first time I've gone to a counselor; however, it is the first time I had a counseling session by phone. I promised the guy I'd call him back when I got a "battle plan" together and let him know how things turn out. I'm looking forward to that.
Now, I just have to get the ball rolling on my new life...
(I'll address that in another post) ;)
Thursday, April 22, 2004
So I was on my way home from work this evening after a particularly sullen day. The realization that I had quit my job, and that I really need to figure out just what the hell I'm going to do to support my family kinda hit home today, so I began panicking under the surface. On my drive home, I began to lose it again (emotionally...I was scared out of my mind for my family), and I called Angela, who managed to calm me down enough to make it home.
I got off the interstate, and while waiting at a traffic light, I noticed some leafy weeds growing through the seams in the concrete of the divider median in the street. My first thought was that I wanted to remove the weeds to improve the appearance of the median.
Then it occurred to me: The weeds belonged there; the median didn't. It was the asphalt and concrete that were alien there, and despite the best effort of mankind's mastery of technology, those simple weeds would not be stopped. They exist simply because they must exist. They must break through whatever cracks and holes they find in order to reach for the embracing warmth of the sun.
My job is the asphalt.
I'm the weed.
I need sunlight.
I got off the interstate, and while waiting at a traffic light, I noticed some leafy weeds growing through the seams in the concrete of the divider median in the street. My first thought was that I wanted to remove the weeds to improve the appearance of the median.
Then it occurred to me: The weeds belonged there; the median didn't. It was the asphalt and concrete that were alien there, and despite the best effort of mankind's mastery of technology, those simple weeds would not be stopped. They exist simply because they must exist. They must break through whatever cracks and holes they find in order to reach for the embracing warmth of the sun.
My job is the asphalt.
I'm the weed.
I need sunlight.
Last Thursday, I put in my 2-week notice for my job, without having anything else lined up.
I think I pretty much screwed myself big time.
So, if there's anyone out there who could use the services of a digital print and graphics expert, please contact me...I need to keep my family fed and sheltered.
I think I pretty much screwed myself big time.
So, if there's anyone out there who could use the services of a digital print and graphics expert, please contact me...I need to keep my family fed and sheltered.
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